resonantrhyme | > More DirkKat.

Excellent idea. I would call it groundbreaking, even.
Let's cut the shit and get back to my and Karkat's insincere and not-actually-happening date. Assuming you people haven't ruined the atmosphere completely with your assumptions regarding the true nature of my feelings for or towards him. They're not there, in case you forgot. I don't like him.
Karkat's eyes are wide and fully pigmented. His overbite, which he's recently molted out of, isn't present at all. He's as handsome as a mutant troll could hope to be.

i just think its nice that i could literally end any chance you have with him by sending him even one tiny excerpt of this steaming pile of

I think, perhaps, it wouldn't be wrong to call what we have serendipitous. He's made to make me feel whatever I feel when I look at him, whether that's pity or disgust or some other third thing I don't care to name.

KARKAT: DIRK, YOUR DINNER'S BURNING.

Don't do that.

what youre the only one that gets to play with lobotomykat? besides its boring when you get stuck inside your head like this

Don't you have something better to do? Some heroic mission that takes priority over, I don't know, shitting all over my good time?

not yet

I pay no mind to Davebot, and go to check on my dinner that's supposedly burning.
I wasn't sure what to make since I admit I don't really know what troll dietary restrictions are, but I doubt you can go wrong with orange soda. I put two cans inside two mugs and tossed them in the oven on 350° and now? They're ready.

did you ever read the wikipedia article on feral children? im getting some wicked dejavu right now

I very pointedly ignore whatever word vomit Davebot has prepared for me and concentrate instead on putting together our dinner.
The cans have popped open, and the extra, somewhat-singed soda has bubbled over into the mug. If you aren't familiar with my methods, you might think I've burned them, but you'd be wrong. They're just right. I use an oven mitt to pull them onto a tray and bring both mugs out to the table where Karkat's fidgeting waiting for me. On r/relationshipadvice, the common suggestion was to be friendly and talkative, to help Karkat get to know me and feel comfortable around me. I have already committed that information to memory, but this Karkat is tailored to my exact quirks. I think if I slip a few times, we will still be okay.

KARKAT: THAT DOESN'T SMELL TERRIBLE.

DIRK: I figured you'd say something like that.

DIRK: Cheers.

I knock back my soda with all the poise of a true expert who has been on many dates before.

KARKAT: YEAH.

I'm not perfect, so

gasp

Well, not that perfect.
My soda dribbles down my chin and soaks the front of my top in sticky, sugary goodness.

gee i wonder if this was on r/relationshipadvice too /s

DIRK: Whoops. You'll have to excuse me.

KARKAT: OKAY.

I slip out of my ruined shirt. Karkat's eyes don't leave me for a second. He's seen my bare chest before, but never quite like this. I don't blame him for being taken with the sight.

do you want me to get an ulcer cause thats where im headed

KARKAT: I WANT YOU LIKE THAT, DIRK.

oh no

You cannot make yourself any clearer.

dont you fucking dare

I sprawl myself across the top of the table, careful not to disturb any of the (incredibly romantic) candles I've laid out. Your blush creeps up from underneath your sweater, which is suddenly too hot and too tight.

DIRK: Are you sure you can handle me?

KARKAT: OH, FUCK YOU!

DIRK: That would be nice.

i cant do this not again im not strong enough

(I think you are. Or rather, you'll have to be.) Your breath comes out in heavy puffs as you lean against the table, my supple body pliant beneath your fingertips (claw-tips? I'll come back to this.)
Jerking it to the series of emotionally-charged sex tapes of Troll Julia Roberts and Troll Adam Sandler has nothing on the feeling of my warm flesh on your dripping, pulsating "bulge."

oh my god i think im going to vomit

You can wait no longer, and right then, right there on the dinner table, you make a husband out of me.

i take back every sly comment every mean spirited remark ive ever made at your expense please bro just stop this

What happens between us is the natural conclusion to a first date between two really compatible people who, no matter how different they may be on the surface, are fundamentally the same. It's a fact that used to be the source of much grief for me, but I'm starting to come around to the idea. I think if anyone could really understand me and what I want and need from a relationship, it's going to be you. Karkat.

my eyes are on fire and bleeding.

You plow into me, over and over. I bust at minimum five-hundred nuts, squeeze in a few witty one-liners about this interspecies sextravaganza, and so on and so forth. I'm stuck on the aftermath, though. Thinking about this--in a purely facetious sense, of course--has me wondering if maybe there might be some truth to it?
Maybe we actually do have some compatibility? Maybe there are things I could stand to learn even from your useless and unskilled waste of an existence, if I only gave you the chance to see and know me properly? Or have I fallen so far off the rails that Dirk/Karkat seems like a sensible pairing?

Davebot?
Dave?

im here

We've had our fun, but I'm under the sheets with Karkat and I'm not in great shape about it or my possible justifications for it.

please i can only take so much psychic damage before i become literally incapable of interacting with the narrative

Hm. Unfortunate. What do you think I should do? Not Karkat, not the reader, you. My bro.

what are you done with your karkat blow up doll why are you calling on me all of a sudden

Why would you ever ask me for advice?

because i dont want to admit ive lost my entire fucking mind?

Thin ice, Dave. Wouldn't it be because you're not asking me, as me, but me as the version of me who raised you?

i didnt exactly raise you which honestly explains a lot more about you than anything else

Work with me.

just do what you want man. you havent been listening to anything i say for five whole chapters why start now?

...Point taken.